The last few weeks I’ve been pretty quiet. D and I have reconciled after that week we took apart but the relationship just isn’t the same. I feel, the end is near and he and I are quietly creeping, tip toeing away from each other instead of rallying to make this work. I am tired. Last night, I went to a dinner party in the city. It was super fun and I felt like the grown up that I am. I was happy. For the first time, I tucked my phone into my purse and decided to take the night with my friends, alone. I didn’t worry about calling D at the end of the night and didn’t watch the clock or screen for his calls or texts. I was ok and it felt really great to be with people who I adore, sipping great wine and exchanging conversation and laughs for hours.
At one point, the conversation shifted to online dating. One of my friends a beautiful, smart and accomplished woman asked some of the guys questions about the sites and how they work. Apparently, there is a new one, based solely on the premise of “hooking” up. HA! I laughed out loud. Aren’t all of them really about that for most guys??? I have sincere aversions to apps and phones when dating and relationships are concerned. D managed to blindside me last summer and had a relationship via text without me knowing. I have been burned by technology and fear it is taking core values away from good men and women. NO longer do words like trust, loyalty and monogamy matter. These sites allow men and women to deceive people they are literally sitting next to at a dinner table or on the couch. It is despicable and disgusting.
I came home last night after hearing the guys exchange banter about their experiences online and had a strange feeling I was being duped. Again. I realized that I had never really checked, googled or investigated whether D had gone back to a site I knew he had belonged a long time ago. I wanted to trust him. I wish I could, but by morning, I had an intution that just wouldn’t subside. Sadly for me, my senses are stronger and wiser than my heart. I wasn’t wrong in thinking/wondering if D may have reactivated his online account on an international site for dating. He did. It took me only a moment to pull up his profile where he defines the type of girl he is looking for….and it certainly isn’t me. He is a liar and has broken my trust for a final time.
Oddly enough, I didn’t cry, wasn’t surprised, angry or anguished by what I saw. I knew. D is a wanderer and isn’t ready for a beautiful woman who has her shit together. He longs for the next bout in life where he can pretend to be the “good” guy and the layers I have peeled back can be put back together until the next girl unravels them piece by piece. It will happen. People don’t wake up “good” people. D fooled me and pulled a bait and switch. I have been a sucker.
I spoke to him a bit ago about my findings. I wasn’t angry or upset, instead, numb, tired and ready to pack it up. He knows. Instead of denying or doubling back, he simply said, “I’m sorry”. I have learned a lot about life through D and have come to realize that love sometimes just isn’t enough. No matter how much you love someone, give them your best and invest your heart and soul, you can’t make someone love you the right way if they don’t know how. D is uneducated when it comes to life and love. He has much to learn and I have decided that my time as his lover and friend must come to an end. I hope some day, we can circle back and rekindle a friendship, but for now, I must stand tall and take back the self respect he has taken from me. I have lost so much of myself trying to be everything for him that I believe, its time to just be me.
I should be mad today figuring out that my lover and best friend updated his profile and photos on a nasty website a week ago, perhaps from the very computer from which I type. I’m not. I forgive him, knowing, that I walk away today a loyal, honest and trustworthy human being who never took more than I gave and loved him bigger and better than I loved myself sometimes. He, on the other hand walks away being a liar, deceiver and exactly the kind of person, he told me he would never want to be. I gave it my all and I’m ready to put it to bed. I need a break from the drama and hurt. I need to just focus on the girl who got herself into this mess……ME.
Technology helps us each and every day to get things done faster, more efficiently and better than ever before, yet, I miss the old days where people wrote love letters, not texts and honesty superseded the need for ego stroking on dating sites and social media. I miss the ghost of D I have been chasing for a very long time and realize now more than ever, that my guy, as he was, is no more. Life, technology and the grass being greener has gotten a hold of him again and there isn’t any way to unwind the proverbial clock. The damage, for me, is irreparably done. Today, I’m turning a page. With hope, writing a new chapter..for the only person I can guarantee won’t hurt me, lie to me or break my heart……myself.
be honest
be kind
be loyal
be loving
be soulful
and never
let
technology
strip you
of
your values.
xoxo
